It's the time of year when parents start worrying about whether their kids' grades will look good on college applications. And whether their little loved ones will get the scary, Agatha Trunchbull-like teacher or the treasured Jenny Honey-like one in the fall. When should moms and dads talk to the principal or social worker — and when should they keep their mouths closed?
"There's a fine line between meddling and being involved," says developmental pediatrician Daniel Levy, who sits on the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on communications and media. "One of the principal things that makes a good school is parent involvement."
Some guidelines:
Pick your battles. Instead of complaining frequently, speak up when it truly matters. "Conduct a proverbial cost-benefit analysis," says Carl Hindy, a Nashua, N.H., psychologist and co-author of If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? "Build and use judiciously your influence with the school." You don't want to be the parent "who's always going to the school," he says. "Such parents may start to lose their credibility, defensiveness builds against them, and they may be viewed increasingly as 'having their own issues' and 'never will be happy.'" Build good will at the school by attending meetings and open houses and giving positive feedback to the teachers and staff, he says. "Then spend that capital judiciously, as you do in any other relationship."
Encourage your son or daughter to approach the teacher about a problem. "You want the child to own the problem," says Michelle Barratt, professor of pediatrics at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston, a former member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' committee on adolescence, and the mother of five kids. That said, if you realize your child is always feeling like a failure, you may want to reach out to the guidance counselor.
Check with your child before contacting school officials. "Never, ever do it on the sly," says John Burton, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who treats kids, adolescents, and adults and teaches at Columbia University Medical School. "It undermines the child's sense of developing autonomy."
Give your kids credit. "Kids need to learn to address their problems themselves — of course, within the limits of their age, any unique strengths or challenges, the type of issues, and the seriousness of the issue," says Hindy "And they need to feel you are supporting them." But not too much. "In the long run, the child needs to be able to assess situations, to think them through and put his or her concerns into words and talk about how to respond and how to speak up appropriately," says Hindy. "Being too protected by the parent also has longer term consequences — for example, in not developing an adequate sense of self-confidence in handling difficult situations or maybe not developing the fullest repertoire of social skills."
Treat school officials considerately. "Always approach teachers and staff as valued and respected allies," says Hindy. "Try not to define problems in a way that pit you against them." Don't come across as critical, he says. "Remember that the teacher has a different sample of your child's behavior." He or she has seen hundreds of kids in the same age range. "She or he knows, better than you or I, what is normal or typical," says Hindy. "She's got in her head the bell curve." Don't rush to judgment. "Yes, any individual teacher has his or her own personal biases — but don't we all!" he says.
Gather evidence if necessary. My family knows a child who used her cell phone to record a swearing bus driver.
Butt in for serious issues. Major bullying is unacceptable. Period. Don't underestimate the pain it causes.
Recognize that not every instructor is an award winner. "A lame teacher — you can't do a thing about it," says Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent. Her exception: a truly "mean" teacher. "That I would do something about," she says.
Think about whether a teacher truly hates your child. "On rare occasion, I see a teacher who has a chemistry 'unmix' with a kid, just does not like the kid," says Walfish. "The kid gets under his or her skin. Those are the times in elementary school where I would ask for a change. "For elementary kids, if the teacher really doesn't like them, it can seep through and penetrate their sense of self esteem." Walfish's advice is different for older kids. "In junior and high school, they're more equipped inside to deal with it and not take it personally," she says. "It's also not their only teacher, and also it's preparation because in high school and college. We all have a teacher we don't like or get along with. We have to grin and bear it or find a way to work through it."
Don't obsess over grades. Let them be. And think of how your child would cringe and feel embarrassed over your meddling, says Levy. "You speak to the child, and most of the time, it's an issue where the kid isn't fulfilling his responsibility. You have to go to the child and say, 'You know what my standards are, and a D is not acceptable. I know what you're capable of.'" You may tell your child you're going to set up a system to monitor progress — but not to do his homework for him. "The concern should be, 'I'm worried about my kid,'" says Levy. Forget your own ego and those "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers.
When do you think it's OK to meddle?
For more stories about school, read:
Parents on Campus: The New Normal?
Should You Worry About Your Child Rushing a Fraternity or Sorority?
Should You 'Help' Your Kids with College Applications?