Dear Kiss & Zutell—
My teenage kids are reality TV junkies. (Actually, so are some of my middle aged friends, but thankfully, I don't have to live with them.) I know it could be worse - they could be heroin junkies, but I have a low tolerance for mediocrity and time wasting. I've made a point of viewing some of these shows with them, and find no redeeming value in them, whatsoever. Even the so-called food shows - in particular the angry Brit chef with the foul mouth and ridiculous tipped hair (grow-up!) reveals nothing about cooking. Instead, it's a handbook for hissy fits. Now, this husband of a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills has committed suicide, and we're supposed to, what... grieve?
I know I can't upgrade the viewing habits of America, but I really want to wean my kids off this garbage.
—Real furious mother in Chicago
Dear Furious One,
I feel your pain. And this latest wrinkle in the devolution of America, this reality TV casualty, does have us wondering how low it can go.
When I first read your question, I immediately recalled a childhood incident at the home of friends. They were watching way too much television, and their grades were slipping. Their father, perhaps the original tough love dad, repeatedly warned them to shut off the TV and hit the books. Finally one evening, he took drastic measures. As his four kids were engrossed in some show, he grabbed the TV, ripped it from its moorings and flung it out the window onto the concrete below. (He was a surgeon and could afford it). His kids' TV watching declined dramatically. Their grades rose. Problem solved.
Of course, cutting off the source is not so easy today. Kids can watch mind-numbing junk on any number of portable, concealable devices. But, I assume, you control the funding of those devices? I would recommend you give them one warning. If the grades don't rise, shut off all their gizmos - cell phones, tablets, laptops and whatever must-have gadget they'll invent before I finish typing this sentence. Normally, I would suggest you use the return of their preferred entertainment as a reward, but in good conscience, I cannot. Information overload is one thing, but this nonsense is truly without merit.
Of course, asking them to pipe Mozart through their ear buds or develop an appreciation for Flaubert is unrealistic. But certainly you can improve the cultural caliber of their guilty pleasures. How about a classic movie night with the dinner of their choice for improved grades? Or couple a museum trip with a shopping excursion — again, as a reward. Your kids' cool quotient will rise higher if they're quoting Andy Warhol instead of The Situation.