How to Outsmart Those Evil Cellphone Providers

Cellphone voicemail is a disgrace, but I'm here to help. At a recent gathering of 50-something grownups, the biggest complaint I heard about the technological world has to do with the cumbersome voicemail system attached to every cellphone provider. Everyone was ticked off at that annoying automated greeting, explaining how to leave a voicemail message. Here's how to deal with it.

We've all heard it: After your personal voicemail greeting, you hear this loathsome drivel: "At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options. To leave a callback number, press 5." I'm sure it makes you angry just to read that. In fact, the sole purpose of that time-wasting chatter is to use up cellphone minutes. Didn't we learn how to use answering machines and voicemail decades ago? Some providers even mention paging the user, an anachronistic practice that's been a rarity for 20 years. Others talk about faxes. Grr.

Sidestep that nonsense with easy techniques many of my middle-aged friends hadn't heard of. Some of you might recall David Pogue of The New York Times writing about this in the summer of 2009, with his infamous "Take Back the Beep" program. He urged readers to fight back, complaining to the cellphone companies about these annoying messages. The result? The cellphone companies stuck by their insane time-wasting tactics, but Pogue managed to popularize quick ways to avoid the nonsense. Here's what you can do to avoid the automated message from the four major U.S. carriers:

STEP ONE. Press 1. If it's Sprint, you get the beep, and you're done. If you hear an error recording, go on:

STEP TWO. Press *. If it's Verizon, you get the beep. If not:

STEP THREE: Push #. You get the beep for T-Mobile or AT&T.

You have to pause after each one, and you have to keep listening. But it's one small way to fight back. Remember: One Star Pound.

Do this 3-step process with every cellphone voicemail, and you're golden. However, if, for example, you're calling your spouse and leaving a voicemail, you already know which carrier he or she is using, so you can press the appropriate key. Here's a handy guide:

AT&T: #
Sprint: 1
T-Mobile: #
Verizon: *

Help those who call you by changing your greeting, telling them which key to press to skip that time-wasting robot voice. For example, for AT&T users, say "Leave me a message by pressing the pound key," and then all your callers will be spared that annoyance.

Get Google Voice, where voicemail works as it should. Here's more information about getting it and a screen-by-screen guide showing you how to set it up.

Avoid voicemail altogether. Most landline phones and all cellphones have caller ID, so whenever you ring someone else's phone, they can see who called and at what time. Just casually let your friends know you will no longer be leaving voicemail messages unless it's an emergency, and will simply hope for a return call if they notice a missed call from you.

Jump into the world of texting. Sure, you might think texting is for kids, but texting is an excellent way to communicate when you have a short message to send, and the person you're sending it to is busy, in a meeting, or otherwise indisposed. it's like e-mail, only faster, more immediate, and usually in the palm of your receiver's hand. The only downside is that text plans are grossly overpriced.

Good news for most Sprint users: That company lets you eliminate the canned instructions. Here's how to do that:

1. Access your voicemail box.
2. Press 3, for personal options.
3. Press 2, for greetings.
4. Press 1, to change your personal greeting.
5. Press 3, to add or remove the caller instructions.
6. Follow the prompts to turn instructions on or off.

Alas, the other cellphone providers won't let you eliminate that automated post-message, but if you're using AT&T, you can reduce its absurdity. Eliminate the phrase that urges callers to "leave a numeric page" like so:

1. Call your voicemail
2. Go to administrative options
3. Select "cut through paging"
4. Select "off"

Get an iPhone. Somehow, Steve Jobs did some arm-twisting, preventing AT&T from using that stupid robot post-message on iPhones.

Finally, if you must leave a voicemail message, make it a point to impart some information. And no, saying "call me back" relays no new info. Obviously, you want the person to call you back, if you called in the first place. Better to succinctly wrap up all the details you wanted to talk about in a tight paragraph. With practice, you'll get good at this.

Meanwhile, use the suggestions above to cut through the crap!